He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I need a beard to bite.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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