It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
