I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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