I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
