i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Bring me that man meat
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