he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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