I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
