If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
