who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
