Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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