it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My penis needs a shock collar
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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