1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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