so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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