So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
