I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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