wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
