My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize