Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Randomize
