i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
