I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
