I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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