uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
