i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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