Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
