he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
