I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
love makes seman taste better
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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