i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
