does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
