Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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