Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
