He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
