o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
