And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
