Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize