He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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