Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
