please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
