I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
