There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
