This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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