there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
