he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My penis needs a shock collar
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
