She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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