Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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