then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
