i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
