I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
your room smells of hookers.
And success
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
