hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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