we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
