im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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