hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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