Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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