It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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