I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
