I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
