my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
